7. Copyright Sinead O’Connor

Created on: January 20, 2014

Jesus Christ. Trying to process the fucking most physically traumatic experience I’ve ever had that didn’t result in a baby. Tuesday I get seized by pain that feels like all my back ribs and all front are broken. Literally as if someone stamped all over me and smashed them.. or as if someone beat the shit out of me.. or I got run over by a car.
Doctor comes.. says if it ain’t gone in two days to go hospital. Thursday night its way worse.. So my sister takes me to hospital. They rush us to another hospital saying I have an abdominal anyerism. So we’re thinking ok.. I could croak any minute.. and we start making plans.. as to how the kids will be ok… fuck sake…
Hospital decides there isn’t an anyerism but a kidney stone… send me home with solpedine.. fuck sake..
friday night fucking agony again only worse this time.. Until I’m on all fours fucking crying my eyes out in pain.. can’t find a place to be that will stop it and the solpedine does’t do Jack.
Doctor comes at midnight… gives me demerol shot.. says he thinks I have a blood clot on my lung and I’m to get to hospital that night… I go into shock… make him leave.. swearing I’ll call and let him get ambulance but I don’t cus I’m so worn out from the previous night in hospital… and… the level of pain I was having to carry and the physical effort required had left me just fucked… plus I hadn’t eaten a fucking morsel since wednesday night cus was so sick.
I google fucking blood clots… My husband.. (we aren’t together but we’re friends) had come over to help me.. and we start making plans as to if I croak between friday night and saturday morning… how I don’t want the kids seeing my body n such.. for real… like… twice in the last fucking week I was making plans for being dead… fuck sake…
Saturday I go hospital.. different one… they cat scan… blood test…x ray… chest and abdomen… Doctor comes with look of speechless astonishment and says “There’s nothing wrong with your lungs or chest”.. Astonished because I smoke so much… it should be like a fucking oil well in there..
He says “You do have a kidney stone but it isn’t where it would be causing you a problem. People have kidney stones all the time and don’t know.. the kidney stone isn’t whats causing your pain”.
He asks me have I been upset about anything… I sob quietly and say “yes.. something extremely traumatic happened about a week ago”.. he says “there’s your problem”.
Sent home with massive painkillers.. doped up to fucking eyeballs all weekend.. Fucking drugs and cat scan dyes.. and holes in my arms from needles.. body, mind, heart and soul.. all in utter shock…
Fucking menstruation from hell having kicked in on tuesday needless to say wasn’t a help either… fuck sake..
Never experienced anything like it in my life… such a physical reaction to an emotional trauma.. fuck sake… completely bewildered….. still ribs feel smashed up but not unbearable.. about three out of ten on the pain scale… where it had been fucking twenty… truly I never felt such fucking pain in my life with no baby after…
so now in recovery mode…. fuck sake.. planning for me kids twice in one week thinking i’m croaking…
What the fuck just happened???????????

- Copyright by Sinéad O'Connor -